Emotional Intelligence: How to Navigate Your Emotions Without Letting Them Rule You
Emotions can feel all-consuming. One moment, you're calm. The next, you're overwhelmed by frustration, fear, or sadness. And when emotions hit hard, they often feel like truth. We believe them. We react to them. We carry them like they're facts we can't put down.
But here’s the truth: thoughts and emotions are possibilities to ponder - not facts to accept. They reflect something real, but not always something true.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to pause, notice what’s rising, and ask: Does this deserve my belief? Does this need my action - or just my attention?
“Feelings are much like waves. We can’t stop them from coming, but we can choose which ones to surf.” – Jonatan Mårtensson
In this post, we’ll explore how to honor your emotions without becoming defined or derailed by them. We’ll break down how emotional intelligence gives you freedom - and how learning to question your inner narrative helps you reclaim your peace.
Emotions Are Messengers, Not Masters
Emotions are part of being human. They’re signals that something is happening internally - often tied to values, needs, memories, or boundaries. Fear might alert us to danger. Anger can show us where a boundary has been crossed. Sadness often marks loss or transition.
But when we confuse emotions with facts, we give them more power than they deserve.
According to Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett, emotions aren’t fixed biological responses - they’re constructed by the brain using memories, beliefs, and cultural inputs. This means your emotional response may not be about the present moment, but about something your brain learned in the past.
You might feel rejected, but someone could just be distracted. You might feel unsafe, but your nervous system could be responding to old trauma, not new danger. Emotional intelligence helps you ask: Is this emotion pointing me toward something true - or something familiar?
“Emotions are data, not directives.” – Brené Brown
🔍 Reflection Prompt: What emotion do you tend to accept as truth without pausing to question?
You Don’t Have to Believe Everything You Think
The human brain produces over 6,000 thoughts per day. Many of those thoughts are intrusive, outdated, or fear-based - not helpful truths.
A key skill in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is cognitive defusion - the practice of separating yourself from your thoughts. Instead of saying, “I’m a failure,” you might say, “I’m having the thought that I’m a failure.” This small shift builds psychological distance and gives you more choice in how you respond.
Research shows that naming your thoughts and feelings actually helps activate the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation.
Also, because of the brain’s negativity bias, we are biologically wired to believe negative thoughts more quickly than positive ones. This helped our ancestors survive, but it can sabotage our confidence today.
🧠 Try This:
Is this a fact or a fear?
Who would I be without this thought?
What’s a more compassionate truth I can believe instead?
Every time you challenge an unhelpful thought, you’re rewiring your brain toward resilience.
Self-Responsibility vs. Emotional Dumping
Vulnerability is powerful. But there’s a difference between sharing your feelings and asking someone else to manage them for you.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon teaches the concept of relational self-awareness - taking ownership of your emotional experience while staying connected to others. This means you can say “I feel anxious” without blaming someone else or making it their job to fix it.
When we emotionally dump without awareness, we risk pushing others away or creating co-dependent patterns. But emotional maturity means we can share and self-soothe at the same time.
“We can hold space for each other’s feelings without being responsible for them.” – Dr. Alexandra Solomon
🎯 Reflection Prompt: What’s one emotion you often expect others to fix for you? How can you start tending to it yourself?
Emotions in Relationships: Understanding vs. Rescue
Being understood is deeply validating. But understanding doesn't erase pain - it helps us feel less alone in it.
Sometimes we expect others to soothe, change, or fix our emotions through understanding. When that doesn’t happen, we feel even more hurt. But this expectation can create an emotional dependence that sabotages real connection.
Emotional intelligence in relationships means being honest about your feelings without making them someone else’s job.
“It’s okay to want someone to understand you. Just don’t expect them to carry the weight of your feelings.”
📝 Journal Prompt: In your closest relationships, do you equate being understood with being soothed? How can you ask for connection while still owning your emotional response?
Daily Practices to Anchor Emotional Awareness
Emotional intelligence is a muscle you can build. These simple tools create space between emotion and reaction:
The STOP Method: Stop. Take a breath. Observe what’s happening. Proceed with intention.
Name it to tame it: Label the emotion to regulate your nervous system.
Ask “Is this helpful?” Even if a thought is true, it might not be useful.
Body scans: Tune into physical sensations to identify and process stored emotions.
💡 Exercise: Choose one practice to try each day this week. Reflect each evening on how it changed your emotional experience.
Final Thoughts: Let Your Emotions Speak, But Don’t Let Them Lead
You don’t get to control which thoughts or feelings show up - but you do get to decide how much power they hold.
Emotional intelligence isn’t about ignoring or suppressing your feelings. It’s about honoring them, questioning them, and responding from clarity - not chaos.
Let your thoughts speak - but don’t let them narrate your life. Let your emotions rise—but don’t let them lead your decisions.
This is your story. Choose what stays.
Ready to strengthen your emotional intelligence and build emotional resilience?
Book a session to start your healing journey, or explore more free tools in the mental health resource library.
